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Christmas Monkeys The Christmas monkeys came again
this year. The little bastards. They brought monkey poo to throw.
They always do. They came down the chimney, amid
scratches and chatters and all manner of hullabaloo. They had good aim with that poo.
My little sister lost an eye. She wears a patch now. They tore down the Christmas tree
and kicked the dog. The cat was sodomized. He won’t
turn his back on you anymore. They ate the parakeet and left
its bones on a windowsill. It wasn’t as bad as last year,
though. Last year the Christmas monkeys
ate mom and dad, left their skeletons in the closet, on hangers. Hung them
there with a tie fastened tight and correct around Dad’s bony neck, Mama
wearing a feathered Easter hat on her shiny skull, the hat turned backwards. On
the floor, beneath her swinging skeleton feet, was her bathrobe, wadded. But this Christmas was different. The monkeys came and none of us
died. We don’t count the parakeet. We all hated that goddamn bird. The monkeys set fire to a bed and
left the bathtub full of poo, rearranged our shoes, mismatched our socks. They left little red fez hats and
matching vests in the kitchen, enough to dress a ten-man crew. But me and Sis, we survived. We put out their treats like
we’re supposed to do. Do that, it means they usually let somebody live. But this year, me and Sis left
out poison bananas with the hot cocoa. We wondered why we hadn’t thought
of it before. When the monkeys finished beating
me up, setting fire to the overturned Christmas tree, peeing in a flowerpot,
making my one-eyed sister wear her pants backwards, they ate their treats, took
the presents, and went up the chimney. But not quite so brisk as they
came down. And there wasn’t as much
chattering. They won’t be back next year. Or the year after that. We found them dead. On the roof.
Near the reindeer and the dropped presents and banana peels. And the sleigh,
which was packed tight with monkey poo, an address book, and a well-marked map. "Christmas Monkeys" was
originally published in Dark
Discoveries #18 (Dark Discoveries). It was later included in the Lansdale short-story collection Bleeding Shadows, published by Subterranean
Press. "Christmas Monkeys" © 2011 By Bizarre Hands, LLC. All Rights
Reserved. Swing back
here Thursday, December 26, for more mojo monkey business! |
